Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
Judge #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. BLACK BEAN CHILI WITH ALMOST NO SPICE. DISAPPOINTING.
Judge #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Hero: I felt something scraping across my tongue, however, I was unable to taste anything. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh beer refills. That woman is starting to look as hot as this nuclear waste I'm eating.
Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge #1: Meaty, Strong chili. Cayenne Peppers freshly ground, adding considerably kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Hero: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. Linda, the contestant, seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. The other judges have asked me to stop screaming.
Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge#1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. Judge #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Hero: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me. I had to wipe my buns with a snow cone!
Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge#1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Hero: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid, unnoticed, out of my mouth.
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